ok this has gone far enough.
seriously why can't i do this properly,
i keep messing things up once it starts.
i cant seem to do one thing and please everybody at the same time.
something, will just have to go wrong somehow.
yeah currently my mood just dropped 1000 kilometres underground.
i wish i was allowed.
then maybe all this wouldnt be so difficult.
it feels like some cycle,
repeating again and again.
but yet i told myself this time not to spoil it,
and make this work as well as possible.
i dont even know whether to laugh or cry.
everything is going wrong again.
AND IT JUST STARTED.

i shall see,
what happens in a month,
i wouldnt be surprised if i crashed my whole life once again,
and i have to start crawling up again just like last year.
seriously. i have never known anyone who could be stupider.
its like you know its wrong,
and yet you still want to do it,
you know its not gonna turn out right,
AND YOU STILL DO IT,
for myself.
how selfish.
and here am i, enjoying my own life,
without even caring about other people.

and so im taking everything for granted.
when will the day come,
when someone actually comes up to me and slap me real hard.
so that i'll wake up.
i had a hole in my heart for 13 months,
and its finally starting to close.
sometimes i wonder if i didnt start anything since sec one,
would my life have been much happier.

Clarissa