would i give anything to go back and fix it right...
but unfortunately there's no time machine in this world.
when there is,
i would like to go and try.

its so hard to move.
its like standing on chewing gum on train tracks.
i want to move, i have to move.
one week isnt enough for me.
but i cant really hold that much longer or its gonna crush me.

going through every bit reminds me of a feeling,
i once had,
i once lost.
happy and yet sad at the same time.
the feel of it, is like better then any gift in the world,
any place any time.

i keep thinking of it,
my mind is starting to move so slow.
when kim asked me if i wanted nuggets,
i had to take 10 seconds to remember what were nuggets.

i am not sad because i dont have it,
im sad because i ended it.
and thats what destroyed it.

this world isnt even real anymore.
i thought family members were the people who never lied to you.
and yet i just found out so many secrets.
that i thought would never even exist throughout my life.
i thought i was the lucky one,
never with huge issues.
and yet i found out even this sort of things could happen.
if you could hide something like that,
who knows what your whole family is hiding from you?
trust no one.
thats what i learnt.
but how can you survive like that.
fourteen years of my life,
i thought i was born
in a happy family.
i was wrong.
everybody is a fake.
i dont even know what is true and what is false anymore.

and i threw away what i need the most now.
comfort, love, happiness.

i was happy,
just a few weeks back.
then it suddenly hit me.
like a huge rock.
then i realised,
what i had done,
what i had lost.
what a stupid STUPID idiot i am.

and there's really no point calling myself stupid anymore,
because its already done.
its about time i moved on.

i closed my eyes,
and i realise i could remember every detail,
picture every detail,
feel every detail once again.
i didn't even know there was so many.
im not throwing it away,
im just locking it up from monday onwards,
because i just cant afford to be crushed everytime i hear or see it.

i can close my eyes, picture it,
and when i open them,
i have tears of joy flowing down my face.
and i dont even regret that it happened,
because from what i see,
its probably the best thing that has ever happened to me.

there's some things in life you just can't forget,
and i will remember this till i die.

Clarissa